October 6, 2016

The Business of Grieving, pt 3.

The hardest lesson of all I think I learned at Camp Widow was that this Journey I'm now on, this grieving that I'm doing, is all to help me to let go of the future I thought I'd have with Jaime, and accept that I no longer know what the future holds for me. And that that is ok. I don't have to have a plan, yet. I can see now I've been very much living a stage of "Now what?"

In marriage we promise "In sickness and in health, Till Death do us part" ... well I loved Jaime in sickness and in health and I loved him until death parted us. But now what? I can't just shut off the love we shared, the commitment we made. There will always be a clear line that divides my life in a period of time I can refer to as before Jaime died and since Jaime died. I have changed, I will never be the same person I was before this line was drawn. But I can grow from this experience and drawn from it to make myself a better version of who I was.

Often times people on the outside are looking at people who are grieving and looking for an end to their grief. They want you to feel better and get over it. The hard truth is, I will never get over losing my husband. It's an unfair and cruel reality I live with. Yes my life will go on and I know I will feel joy again, but I will always miss him and the future we should have had together and with our children. 

There is so much judgement and criticism put on every aspect of a widows life. When did someone decide we need to be perfect at the most difficult time of our life.  I know now it is not a representation of my love for him if I don't live up to other peoples standards of how I should be grieving or moving on with my life. What I want for the future and what you want from me don't have to match. You live in the Ocean of my life, and I live in my fishbowl. And only those living in my fishbowl with me get an opinion on how I lead my life and how I grieve. I've come to realize all I can do is what I feel is best for me and my children, regardless of outside influences and opinions.  

I want to leave my post today with a quote from a post a fellow widower from Camp Widow made upon his return from camp. Something that stuck with me and really is how I was feeling but wasn't quite able to word the same as he was able to. "A huge part of my learning this weekend is that I realize that there is no end to our partnership. My grief for my loss of {wife} is a continuation of my love for her. Like any relationship, love changes and in this analogy, so will and so has my grief."

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