April 16, 2016

Grief is such a funny thing....

Oh Grief. Grief is such a funny thing. I know they say no two people grieve the same way, but now I get it. There is not proper way to grieve.

One thing I've learned lately is there's a lot of pressure that comes from grieving. I worry that people think I'm not grieving the way I should be. Some days are really hard, and some of them are not so hard. Some days I smile and laugh and have a good time with the kids and friends. Other days I cry a lot and I just want to lay on the couch and watch tv to distract myself.

But when people ask how I am, I always say good or fine. Sometimes I wonder what response they expect me to say. Are the judging me by the answer I give? Do they think I'm doing too ok for someone who just lost their husband of 10 years? Or do they realize I cant just tell them how Im truly doing? What if I just broke down crying in that moment. What would they say? Would they regret asking or stand there unsure of what to say. Especially when asked in front of the kids. Obviously I'm going to say good. I don't need the kids thinking otherwise.

Don't get me wrong, the kids do see me cry. I want them to know that feeling upset about things is ok, I want them to think "its ok if I cry sometimes, mom does too". I just don't want them to think its a daily all day thing. I also don't say that because I want people to stop asking me how I am. I so appreciate everyones support, concern and prayers. Truly. I just don't know what to do with it.

I hear people saying how strong I am, and I dont know if I am, but I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to be. I have three children who need me to keep it together and take care of them. I don't feel like I'm a strong person. I feel like I'm doing what you're supposed to do when you lose your spouse but you have young children to take care of. I have to be this way.

I'm heartbroken, but I am choosing to wake up every day thankful and happy. We used to rely on each other. When one of us was struggling, the other could pick up the slack. Now I need to be the best parent I can be because now they only have me.

April 13, 2016

New Furniture!

Its been 11 year since we moved into our home. In that time we got 4 cats and 3 kids, so to say out couches had lived their lives would be an understatement. We'd been talking about getting new couches for a year or so but hadnt quite found one we liked. Towards the end of Jaimes illness our couch had begun to fall apart. The stuffing wasnt cutting it enough for his back and we had to get him a lazyboy chair to help with his back pain. The couch itself got much worse for the ware the last few months, the side had ripped open and just kept getting bigger and bigger.

After Jaime passed, I decided enough was enough and I went couch shopping! I caught a great sale and got both pieces for less than I had planned. I had originally wanted to get a sectional but was scared to get one before moving and knowing what space I would have in a new home. So I decided to just go with a Sofa but once at the store the sale was so good I got the Loveseat too! It took 3 weeks to get here but finally its here and its BEAUTIFUL! lol

I dont love how Jaimes chair matches but the kids love his chair so its not going anywhere! I also havent gotten around to taking down his Deadpool poster and hanging it in the basement for the kids lol