1 year ago, our life changed

1 year ago, our life changed. 1 year ago, I sat in a waiting room, waiting on news that my husband colonoscopy was over. This was our last step to confirm the IBS diagnosis he had been given for the last 2 years of his pain. 1 year ago, I sat alone, the last person in the waiting room...

The nurse came back to get me and bring me back. I cracked a joke and she didn't laugh. Red Flag #1. She explained he was still kinda out, so wouldn't really understand much while he comes out of anesthesia. We arrived at the room and I went over to say hi. He was clearly still out of it. As the Doctor approached me, the nurse appeared behind me with a chair for me to sit in and a box of tissues. Red Flag #2.

The doctor explain to me that they had found a growth, and weren't able to get even a pediatric scope past it. He took some to biopsy but he said "It doesn't look good". Shock. I sat there in shock. Tears rolling down my face. Unsure how to tell Jaime when he woke up. I texted my parents briefly who were watching my kids for me, not even sure what to say. I just told them they found a growth and said it wasn't good. Jaime started to come around. He saw me crying and asked me what was wrong. I just smiled. The doctor reexplained to him everything he had said to me. Jaime replied "So its Cancer?" The doctor solemnly said "Well I cant say for sure without the biopsy, but in my experience, yes, its most certainly Cancer" Jaime said "I knew it." Doctor explained the process from here. He would come tomorrow for a CT scan, more blood work and we'd go from there.  He would need surgery to remove it ASAP (which never happened as he was too advanced) and they put him off work for a month.

None of the news that came from there was good. A week after the CT scan we had a surgeon explaining to us his cancer had spread to his liver and possibly his lungs. There wasn't anything she could do for us and we'd have to wait for a call from Oncology.

Here we are a year later. I sit here without him. Mourning him for 7 months. Really, mourning him for a year now. I still cant believe this is where we are. October 15th will forever be the awful day changed the course of our lives forever.

1 year ago, our life changed

1 year ago, our life changed. 1 year ago, I sat in a waiting room, waiting on news that my husband colonoscopy was over. This was our last step to confirm the IBS diagnosis he had been given for the last 2 years of his pain. 1 year ago, I sat alone, the last person in the waiting room...

The nurse came back to get me and bring me back. I cracked a joke and she didn't laugh. Red Flag #1. She explained he was still kinda out, so wouldn't really understand much while he comes out of anesthesia. We arrived at the room and I went over to say hi. He was clearly still out of it. As the Doctor approached me, the nurse appeared behind me with a chair for me to sit in and a box of tissues. Red Flag #2.

The doctor explain to me that they had found a growth, and weren't able to get even a pediatric scope last it. He took some to biopsy but he said "It doesn't look good". Shock. I sat there in shock. Tears rolling down my face. Unsure how to tell Jaime when he woke up. I texted my parents briefly who were watching my kids for me, not even sure what to say. I just told them they found a growth and said it wasn't good. Jaime started to come around. He saw me crying and asked me what was wrong. I just smiled. The doctor reexplained to him everything he had said to me. Jaime replied "So its Cancer?" The doctor solemnly said "Well I cant say for sure without the biopsy, but in my experience, yes, its most certainly Cancer" Jaime said "I knew it." Doctor explained the process from here. He would come tomorrow for a CT scan, more blood work and we'd go from there.  He would need surgery to remove it ASAP (which never happened as he was too advanced) and they put him off work for a month.

None of the news that came from there was good. A week after the CT scan we had a surgeon explaining to us his cancer had spread to his liver and possibly his lungs. There wasn't anything she could do for us and we'd have to wait for a call from Oncology.

Here we are a year later. I sit here without him. Mourning him for 7 months. Really, mourning him for a year now. I still cant believe this is where we are. October 15th will forever be the awful day changed the course of our lives forever.

The Business of Grieving, pt 3.

The hardest lesson of all I think I learned at Camp Widow was that this Journey I'm now on, this grieving that I'm doing, is all to help me to let go of the future I thought I'd have with Jaime, and accept that I no longer know what the future holds for me. And that that is ok. I don't have to have a plan, yet. I can see now I've been very much living a stage of "Now what?"

In marriage we promise "In sickness and in health, Till Death do us part" ... well I loved Jaime in sickness and in health and I loved him until death parted us. But now what? I can't just shut off the love we shared, the commitment we made. There will always be a clear line that divides my life in a period of time I can refer to as before Jaime died and since Jaime died. I have changed, I will never be the same person I was before this line was drawn. But I can grow from this experience and drawn from it to make myself a better version of who I was.

Often times people on the outside are looking at people who are grieving and looking for an end to their grief. They want you to feel better and get over it. The hard truth is, I will never get over losing my husband. It's an unfair and cruel reality I live with. Yes my life will go on and I know I will feel joy again, but I will always miss him and the future we should have had together and with our children. 

There is so much judgement and criticism put on every aspect of a widows life. When did someone decide we need to be perfect at the most difficult time of our life.  I know now it is not a representation of my love for him if I don't live up to other peoples standards of how I should be grieving or moving on with my life. What I want for the future and what you want from me don't have to match. You live in the Ocean of my life, and I live in my fishbowl. And only those living in my fishbowl with me get an opinion on how I lead my life and how I grieve. I've come to realize all I can do is what I feel is best for me and my children, regardless of outside influences and opinions.  

I want to leave my post today with a quote from a post a fellow widower from Camp Widow made upon his return from camp. Something that stuck with me and really is how I was feeling but wasn't quite able to word the same as he was able to. "A huge part of my learning this weekend is that I realize that there is no end to our partnership. My grief for my loss of {wife} is a continuation of my love for her. Like any relationship, love changes and in this analogy, so will and so has my grief."

The Business of Grieving, pt. 2

"Why does the word widow bring so much shame?" a question posed by one of the presenters at Camp Widow this past weekend. It really struck me. Yes, why does it. I think perhaps its because the honesty of our situations make so many feel uncomfortable. It brings to life a reality in which they don't want to fathom is possible, especially those of us who are younger. We dont want to think it possible to lose our husbands and wives so young. They aren't sure the right reaction, they aren't sure what to say. They also often say stupid things in an attempt to say the right thing. We've heard it all, and we've seen it all as well. Peoples facial expressions are almost comedic while they try to find the right way to react. But its not what you say to me in response that matters, its that you care enough to listen.

I want to share my husband story, I want to be honest with my journey. I am often asked how I'm doing, how the kids are doing, and I have to gauge how honest to be depending on the person I'm speaking with. Often times, I don't feel like the person wants to to hear the truth, in which case I say I'm fine. Sometimes I am fine, other times I'm having a really rough day, but I'm trying to be strong for my kids. It's also not easy to make others feel uncomfortable, or see them visibly want to change the topic or walk away from the discussion.

But if I'm being honest, I'm getting to the point where I almost don't care. I want to be strong enough to tell it like it is. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, so what, that's on you not me. I'm telling my truth, and living my authentic life. The truth is, I am a widow. I will always be a widow. It is now part of my story. Whether or not some day I meet someone else, Jaime will always be my husband.

So be warned, I no longer want to feel shame. Countless men and women shared their stories with me this weekend, and it changed my life. It brought me hope, and light, and lifted me up. Other's stories inspired me, and I in turn will inspire someone else. A great lesson I took away from Camp Widow is that You get hope from others, but you also give hope to others. If you ask me how I am, I will probably be honest with you. I will talk about my husband, I will share his story. I will relate stories you tell to things he has done. I will keep his memory alive any time I can. I will tell you how this journey has changed me. I will offer hope where I can. I feel no more shame!

The Business of Grieving, pt.1.

Grieving sure is a funny thing. People often describe grieving like waves in the ocean. Some moments are calmer, others are big huge tsunamis of emotions. This month in particular was more difficult for me. September marked 6 months since my husband passed. Again, some days were good, then the quiet of reality would hit and I was highly emotional, crying over nothing.

But then something magical happened to me this weekend. I attended Camp Widow in Toronto, ON. Camp Widow is by their own description "a unique and incredible experience. Over a weekend this program provides both practical tools and relevant resources for widowed persons rebuilding their lives in the aftermath of the death of a spouse or partner. But the most important thing that Camp Widow® provides to the widowed people who attend is an in-person community of others who are making their way through widowhood one day at a time. Campers come from all over the country, and around the world, to meet other widowed men and women face-to-face, and to experience the camaraderie that this event creates."

Attending something like this is highly unlike me. I'm a very shy person by nature and I have never traveled alone before. That in itself was very freeing. In my search for help in grieving I came across Soaring Spirits, the organization which puts on Camp Widow. I thought it sounded like a great place to finally talk to others who maybe understand how I'm feeling. There isn't much for grief groups here where I'm from. I only personally know one other widow my age, and none with children. So I took a leap of faith and decided to attend. Thankfully with support from my parents who would take care of my children, I went to Toronto for 3 days to attend and what a life changing decision it was.

There was just something about sitting in a group with others who actually want to hear your story and share theirs too. There's no worry about making someone feel uncomfortable talking about your love one, we've all lost our person. We cried, we laughed, we hugged, and most importantly we made new friends. As someone who is still new to this, I found so much comfort in hearing from others who are further in the process than I am. This experience brought a lot of Hope for my futureand brought me a new perspective on my life moving forward. I now understand that I can have Hope again and Hope elevates you.

Losing my husband has sent me on a new Journey of self discovery. At this transition time in my life, I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, but I can proudly say I am stepping into this time with courage and strength, in part thanks to Camp Widow, its hosts, presenters and fellow campers. I cant thank them enough for how they have helped me.

Going to share a few more lessons I took away from camp soon.

Long Live Love,
Sophie

Little Bit of Red

There's been a lot of changes to our new home since my last post! Look forward to more posts to come with the renos we've done.

First up I wanted to post a little update on the outside of our home! I haven't don't much yet as far as cleaning up the bushes and such, but I wanted to start with making the front door more welcoming! Our Original front door was white, but was chipping all over! Anyone who knows me well knows I love a nice painted front door. I've always wanted to do bold colours but in our old home because its a semi-detached, I HAD to keep the same boring green colour.

For this home I'm limited because the siding is a light blue colour. If it had been white I may have been more daring or bold, but I had to pick something that would look nice with the siding. So I quickly decided a nice bright red would look nice! I headed to Shermin Williams to get a couple sample colours, then came home and checked Pinterest to see the colours I liked best to see how it looks on a door or larger space than the little samples.

 

 

After checking a few sample shades out, I settled on Positive Red! What a great omen to choose a shade with the name Positive in it! I also read online that the Chinese consider red to be a lucky color and that in feng shui, a red door symbolizes the mouth of the home allowing chi to be drawn to the house. So a red door basically welcomes people into your home, which is exactly what I would like a door to say ;)

The weather finally cooperated and I was able to spend the day painting the door. Took a few coats to achieve the shade I wanted. It's far from perfect but its an improvement and I love it so much already!

Midway Through Painting

The real problem I ran into is that I purchased a new lock and handles but had the worst luck trying to install them! I just couldn't make it work! So I decided to just put the old ones back on until I could get someone to help me, then couldn't get those back on either. This isn't the first time I've replaced these I quickly got frustrated and the tears came lol. I sat it could for a few minutes then called in some reinforcement! A friends husband quickly came by to rescue me and install the new deadbolt and door handle. Now its perfect! I'm so lucky to have good friends in my life to help me out!

I'm so pleased with the final result! It's bold and welcoming, just as I had hoped it would be! Come on in! You're Welcome here!!

Now on to the next project!

A New Start

Exciting things are happening in our home, or should I say our NEW home! That's right! We are moving!

Jaime and I had been wanting to move for a long time now, tried to sell 2 years ago but wanted to finish a couple things around the house before selling. We were hoping to list our house last October and in September he started to get sicker, and he was diagnosed in October. So it obviously never happened. One thing he wanted me to do was sell our home and move to the neighbourhood our kids go to school in. While we love our house, its just not in a neighbourhood. We live on a dead-end street with about 12 Semis on it. There are no sidewalks, no kids to play with, no parks near by, cant walk to school. These are all things we wanted for the kids.

Two weeks ago a Bank Repo in the area we were hoping to move to came on the market and I just had to jump on it! We went to see it on the weekend, took my parents and the kids back later that night and made an offer the next day! After some back and forth, its mine! Its a big step for me, as we havent yet sold our home, but it was just such a good opportunity I couldnt pass it up!

So we are closing end of July, then first week of August we will be getting the floors done and painting done. We're hoping to be moving in by mid August. Its a big of a fixer upper, mostly cosmetic work needs done, so lots of new projects to distract me with lol For now I thought Id share a couple pics of our before home! Im going to take more pictures soon!

This is our new home, our new start!

Livingroom

Kitchen and Dinningroom, lots of changes coming here! Including painting the cabinets! oh and see the Dishwasher!!! I will finally have a dishwasher! Jaime would be thrilled!

Mudroom off the dinning room! Excited to make this more functional for the kids!

Main Floor Bathroom!

Oy this need some work ;)

Master bedroom & Master bathroom! EEK! My own bathroom! lol

Lincoln's Room

Aria's room

London's room in the basement! Yes his own room!! Boys are so excited to have their own space!!

Aria's playroom, yes her own playroom!

Boys Playroom!

Basement bathroom... needs some work....

Storage room!

Backyard and the deck!

Side shed!

So all in all not the best pics but you get the idea! Stay tuned for our new adventure! Clearly its a fixer upper and needs lots of love and work! I cant wait to get in and improving, making it more our home!!